2
This topic is locked
Players: T-26 “Ironmonger69”
T-26 “Tiny Dancer” – Note: Name has been changed to protect the innocent.
BEGIN!SPG’s are in the trees as always. I move up to the church to provide spotting and a little early warning security. A TD and a medium are positioning nicely for a kill zone near the shifting SPG’s. I creep around the church and position inside a bush near the front, to better see into the village below. All is well for 30 seconds.
From nowhere, Tiny Dancer pulls up and performs a beautifully executed parking maneuver precisely parallel to me, and only two meters to my left; he could have been a mirror image. Minus the concealment, that is. He’s out (of the garage) and proud; no hiding for him. The turret is spinning non-stop, left, right, up, down. I try to imagine what the conversation among that tank crew would be:
Driver: “Oh, look at this vista. It’s beautiful! I want to live here.”
Commander: “Indeed. Oh, look, a butterfly! Oooo, he’s an energetic one!”
Gunner: “What kind is he? I wanna see! Entomology is my hobby, you know.”
Commander: “Wheee!”
Driver: “Are there any birds? My hobby is ornithology.”
Commander: “Nope, no, don’t see any…”
Tiny Dancer obviously wants to be a Scooby snack for the enemy SPG’s, but doesn’t want to die alone. Whistling quietly to myself, I creep back into my fallback position at the rear of the church. Not ideal, but I can still watch the high road to the north and Tiny can spot anything coming from the village, if it doesn’t spot him first.However, Tiny Dancer is feeling lonely and immediately backs up to snuggle some more. The turret is wheeling frantically once again, the gun high in the air. He’s like some demented Walmart greeter, eagerly waving in the enemy. “Hiya, and welcome to Malinovka! Have a wonderful slaughtering experience!”
Donotgreifdonotgriefdonotgrief. A few seconds pass, nothing to see yet. Many of our teammates are moving up the south road to the buildings, some fighting in progress. The enemy will be showing up here any time, and hear I sit with a neon “SHOOT HERE” sign. I can’t stay, and reverse again into the woods into a third bush.
Tiny Dancer is not through spooning, and returns to my side, a faithful companion I didn’t ask for. He’s more or less still in the open as well, the turret hyperactive, the gun scanning the trees for kamikaze enemy squirrels. Surely the enemy will show up any mo…
A PzKpfw III crests the hill from the high road, pointed straight at us. That one second seemed like an eternity while I pondered if we had been spotted. Tiny Dancer cared not one whit; he slammed into reverse on sight, mowing down trees as he reversed back into the woods. In the same instant, the Panzer’s muzzle belched fire as a 50mm round streaked towards Tiny Dancer’s vacated parking space, missing him by inches and detracking me. Oh, I’m in it now. I get a shot on him for only a touch of damage. His next shot knocks out my engine and about 30% of my HP. There’s nothing left now except to try and take him with me. My next shot bounces, and then the world evaporates in a red haze as a Wespe drops a 105mm HE round into the smoking vents of my rear deck.
After suffering the grisly fate of many a tanker, the ghosts of my crew hover above their ride and watch in amazement as Tiny Dancer flees over the hills and far away without a scratch, a distinct line of felled trees in his wake. At least we won in the end.
Lessons Gleaned from the Tiny Dancer Incident (if you’re still reading):
For the inexperienced:
#1 – Cover and concealment are your friends. Know the difference and use them religiously.
#2 – Hold the right mouse button to look around without moving your turret. Waving your gun around can reveal your position to any tank in range.
#3 – Don’t bunch up. Clustered tanks are an SPG’s wet dream.
#4 – Avoid knocking down trees or crushing things whenever possible. Even if no one can see your tank, they can see that. Especially SPG’s. If you’re trying to get away, it will slow you down as well.
#5 - it’s good to watch other players to learn what to do, but please do it at a decent distance. Oh, and wash out your tank once in a while. There’s a reason there were no birds flying. Phew.
#6 – If someone is in the spot you wanted, find another. It’s that simple, you do not own the real estate. Learn the whole map by playing in different sectors, and you’ll always have second, third, or fourth choices to fall back on.
For the inexperienced & the experienced:
#1 – Don’t get so distracted watching the bizarre antics of our more colorful teammates that you forget the task at hand.
#2 – Don’t give in to your impulse to grief others. Contrary to popular belief, venting only makes you angrier and less focused.
#3 – Buy life insurance for your tankers. Their loved ones will thank you for it
#4 – It’s a game. Your tank is essentially indestructible. Relax and enjoy the carnage, and let others enjoy it too. Laugh at the crazy ones. If you want to get thuper-therial about it, join a clan and refrain from random battles.
Here’s hoping a humorous story will actually get some newcomers to read some of the numerous advice threads & take it to heart.
Posthumously;
Ironmonger69 and the T-26 Crew
I just learned something new!! 
Sorry i laughed so hard i fell out of my chair....
